Five Problems With Being A Nice Guy

You know the saying: ‘Nice guys finish first.’ (Or was it last?) In the dating world, being nice has pros – but also some cons. Here is why all that sugar needs a little spice.

I like nice guys. I know a lot of women who also want to go on dates with nice guys. They are polite, and hopefully, chivalrous; they listen to what you have to say and they don’t make you feel like they  just want one thing at the end of the date. Nice guys are respectful and sweet, and they’re therefore great company. The problems arise when a guy is just too nice.

Be More Than Just Nice

Sometimes guys take the ‘nice’ label and use it as the only thing they have to offer women. With the determination of a wasp on the hunt, they will be super kind and polite, never stepping outside of their ‘nice’ box, inthe hope that this will make them a successful dater. But have you noticed how many nice guys exclaim, ‘Why doesn’t that woman like me? I’m a nice guy!’ It’s not because women want to be around bad boys who don’t respect them and make them grovel for their goodness (well, not all women.) No, it’s because being nice is a good thing, but it shouldn’t be the only asset to bring on a date.

Here are some tips on how to make ‘nice’ much more amazing:

Buy some mystery

I think they sell it in small bottles at the local hardware store. No, seriously. Mystery is important. What does it have to do with being nice? Sometimes nice guys are too open about how they feel. They’ll give a woman loads of compliments, making her know 100% without a doubt that they’re into her. The result? The intrigue has been zapped and your date is uninterested. Don’t give everything away when getting to know someone on a first date. As the brilliant writer Oscar Wilde once wrote, ‘The suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.’ Being a little mysterious helps to keep your date intrigued. And when she is intrigued, she will be filled with a curiosity to want to know more about you.

Focus on other aspects of your personality

Show her your lust for life, talk to her about your interesting hobbies and adventures, intrigue her with all those books you read or your passions. Sure, go ahead and pay for dinner and let her walk through the door first, but then amaze her with what makes you an awesome date. Give her a complete idea of you, not just a one-dimensional snippet of you as the nice guy. You can’t depend on your niceness to get you places because after a while being too nice will become boring. In this way, your nice gene is a lot like being handsome: if you don’t have a personality to back up your gorgeous hair or good guy vibes, it’s a big let-down!

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Don’t ask if you can kiss her

This is the classic move of the Nice Guy: just when you’re saying goodbye after a great date, he moves closer and then kills the moment by asking, “Can I kiss you”?   Sometimes a woman wants you to take that first step without asking beforehand –  it shows her that you can take charge. Asking if you can kiss her is awkward; you might as well shine a flashlight in her eyes. If she wants to kiss you, she’ll kiss you back. Have the confidence to take that leap of faith.

Don’t try too hard

The kiss question highlights another problem of being too nice: always checking that everything is okay, that your date is okay, that she will want to see you again.  This often follows on into the relationship – you’ll be making sure that you’re on the right path and that she’s happy, and so on. Can you see how this can be annoying? It also comes across as trying too hard. Some nice guys I’ve known seem to feel they need to try hard because they want the woman they’re interested in to be sure of their intentions. This might be true, but no woman wants to feel that a guy is dousing her in sugar the entire time and showing concern to the point where she wonders if all that goodness is genuine.

Too much of a good thing raises the alarm and readies the Dobermans for attack. Yup, it makes women suspicious. Some nice guys are only nice because they’re putting on an act. They want to lure the woman in with their sweetness and sappy nature because they’re trying to impress them. Then, once they have them where they want them, they’ll revert to their natural state of not being all that nice. Women know this and want to feel sure that your niceness is the real deal, not a mask you wear. Show her that it is by keeping it subtle.

Nice does not mean doormat

Just because you’re one of the good guys, it doesn’t mean that you have to bow down and let the woman rule the relationship. So many nice guys end up doing this, being at the beck and call of the woman they’re dating, doing everything for her as though they are not worthy of her love. Or, they think that if they show her how valuable they can be to her life, she will want them to stick around. So a Nice Guy will do things like call her whenever she wants to hear from him, go to her when she’s in need of a friend, help her move homes when she asks (even though she has a boyfriend), go to the movies with her when her date has cancelled on her at the last minute, and other activities that solidify his place in the Friend Zone. The problem with being nice is that people who don’t care about you will try to take advantage of you. Don’t be so nice that you allow this to happen. Self-respect is sexy and keeps you in the running as a potential boyfriend instead of as her back-up plan.

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I am a writer living in South Africa. I have been working as a journalist and blogger for ten years. I am passionate about writing, and I have to confess I love it even more than my favorite high heels and Lindt chocolate. Writing on the topics of dating and relationships is an interest of mine, and I love keeping my finger on the pulse of the latest dating trends.

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