And You Thought Your Date Was Bad…

I’m not generally a one-upper, I promise.  But, tell me a crappy date story and I will tell you one back that will makes yours look like the winner of the world championship of dating.  The funny thing is, I’m not even mad about it.  You have to date a lot of different people, and do a lot of different things before you feel comfortable knowing what you’ll tolerate and enjoy, and what you won’t.  You will get discouraged, I know I did.  But every time I share this story, hopefully somebody will think:  “Hey, mine coulda been worse”.

Ryan Seacrest’s Evil Twin

My main online dating source was OKCupid.  I had dated around for a few months, ended up in a relationship for a bit.  When that wrapped up, I decided to give the trusty Cupid one more try.  This encounter began like ANY other: he checked out my profile a few times, rated me highly, I rated him highly back and he messaged me.  Now this guy was cute.  He was like a less plastic Ryan Seacrest; very well put together, sounded like a hard worker (a lawyer to be exact) and had gorgeous blue eyes and a perfect smile.  We exchanged a few messages and he asked to meet for drinks.  We agreed on a bar downtown and set the date.  I was excited because he seemed like a guy who had his shit together, he didn’t flash any “I have a fedora collection” warning signs and he was very flirty and complimentary.  So, there was already some chemistry there.  But that’s when the proverbial crap hit the fan…

I met him at a table in the bar, where he sat drinking a martini with two empty glasses already next to him.  I stopped myself from making a premature judgement and thought, “maybe he’s nervous”.  We exchanged a hug, chatted a bit, but the conversation sort of died.  He talked about being a lawyer, and lawyer things, and things that lawyers do while being lawyers and practicing law, blah blah blah.  He was not remotely interested in me, or getting to know me but rather wanted nothing more than an ego stroke.  I finished my glass of wine, and tried to signal for the check.  He ordered another drink.  Trying to be nice, I let him order and drink his 5th drink while I nodded along to his stories of weird clients, listened to his outspoken judgement of other people in the bar and his horrible jokes – which he seemed to tell himself, and instinctively laugh at on his own.

Evil Ryan Seacrest 01

When he was done, I said I had an early morning the next day and asked for the check.  It came and he said, “I hope you don’t mind if we go dutch” which, really, I didn’t mind.  Is it nice when someone invites you out, puts in the effort to “court” you and then offers to treat you?  Yes.  Yes it is.  But I don’t expect it, so I rolled with it.  I had just cashed a check and only had a large bill on me, so I put that down alongside his card.  The waiter took it, and came back saying that my new lawyer friend’s card had been declined.  In response, he ordered the waiter to run it again.  When it was declined a second time, my date started yelling at the waiter telling him he must be doing something wrong.  He continued shooting off at this poor waiter, shouting that there was no problem with his card and that he doesn’t want him using any of his other cards because he probably already charged him multiple times by mistake.  Instead, he said with NO hesitation, “FORGET IT, she’s got it, just take the cash”.   So, I paid for my single glass of wine, and his five drinks on a bill that should have entitled me to high roller status for the rest of my life at this joint.  I was annoyed, stunned, grossed out, annoyed, bummed and really god damn annoyed.  Did I mention I was annoyed?

Upon leaving I gave him a one-armed hug, thanked him for meeting me and told him we’d talk soon – thinking that would be the end of the night.  Oh no…now he wanted to be a gentleman!  He insisted on walking me to my car, which he did until he abruptly stopped 100 feet from the garage.  He turned to me, smirked and said, “well, hopefully we can do this again…” and he planted the most unwanted, undeserved and lame kiss I’ve ever had, right on my lips and ran away.  Oh yea, you read that right…he then RAN AWAY.  I stormed to my car, knowing very well we’d never speak again and that I’d just chalk this up to a wonky night.

To add insult to injury, he texted me a week later with this delightful little nugget:

“Hey, Suze. I just wanted to say I’m sorry but you’re just not the type of girl I’m looking for right now.  I don’t think you’re in line with the kind of girl I’m into.”

So apparently, Ryan Seacrest’s evil twin is into fake, dumb, pompous jerks that can’t manage their finances enough to pay for their own drinks.  COOL BRO, SEE YOU NEVER.

See guys? It’s not all butterflies and rainbows, but it comes with the territory.  Can you top it?

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