Five Texting Commandments To Follow When You Are Dating

Back in the day, there weren’t as many ways to screw up when it came to dating. Guys would show up to a girl’s door, give her dad a bag of boar balls and a mule and it was a done deal. Nowadays, the tools of dating have been upgraded from the simplicity of mules and boar balls to the complexities of cell phones and texting. While texting is a whole lot easier than talking on the phone, it also leaves the door wide open for you to completely screw up your chances without even knowing it. Before any more texting disasters happen, we’re going to play modern day Moses on the internet and introduce 5 texting commandments that should be implemented in everyone’s dating life posthaste:

1. Thou Shalt Have Texting Time Limits.

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“Stop LOL-ing and ask her out!”

Texting is the microwave meal of conversations. There’s very little prep work and a whole lot of instant gratification. Texting doesn’t require you to shower or even have pants on. However, just like one can’t live on microwave meals alone, the same goes for texting. If the texting conversation goes past a week and no one has mentioned the possibly of meeting up on a date, it shows either you or the other person is uninterested in taking it to the next level of doing real people stuff. It doesn’t matter if you’re a guy or a girl, put the possibility of meeting out there a couple days into the text conversation and find out if you’re on the same page.

2. Thou Shalt Contribute to the Conversation.

We’ve all written a text that’s bled into two text bubbles and have felt embarrassed that you spilled your guts out through your thumbs only to get a one or two-word response. So when someone you’re interested in sends you a text, always contribute to the text conversation just like you would if they were sitting across from you. If you’re busy, says so, if you’re falling asleep, let them know, if you’re driving, we’re calling the cops because you’re not supposed to be doing that, but definitely text them back after you’re safely parked somewhere. Even simple excuses are better than the one or two word text.

3. Thou Shalt Never Text a Picture of ‘It’.

We hate to break it to you dudes but sending a text with a picture of your peen is NEVER sexy unless you’re actually Ryan Gosling and your genitals were made of chocolate. And while it’s nice that you’re confident enough to send portraits of your prickly love clusters, we can guarantee you that the minute your potential date sees it, words like ‘unsettling’ and unflattering comparisons to vegetables (‘is that an albino pickle?) will be made because sausage selfies are hot to pretty much NO ONE.

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“YOU! Yeah…you! Put it away bro.”

And for the ladies, yes, I’m sure he wants a sexy picture from you that he’ll never show to ANYONE! PROMISE! But what he really means is he’ll show it to one person who’ll then show it to EVERYONE! PROMISE! Sending graphic pictures is never a good idea in any situation, so let’s all agree to keep our respective junk at least 3 feet away from our cell phone cameras.

4. Thou Shalt Let HER Sext You Up.

Now we’re not a bunch of no-fun nuns. We realize that if you’re really into each other, your texting conversations can turn into a full blown sext session which is fine if both people are into it. As a general rule, when it comes to sexting, girls should always be the ones to initiate. Guys have the tendency to not only want to sext too soon (creepy) but get extremely graphic (gross) in the process which can turn a woman off faster than a guy wearing crocs. If she wants to sext with a guy, she will. And if you’re a guy and you know your sext vocabulary consists of ‘dong, jugs, and meat curtains’, then it’s probably an even better idea to let her take the lead.

5. Thou Shalt Not Sound Like a 12 Year Old.

An occasional typo here and there is understandable but a text filled with spelling and grammar mistakes drops your sexy stock down a couple points. A good rule to follow when you’re dating is to text like you’re being graded because technically, you are. A sentence that reads, “I am really into you, would you like to go out sometime?” Makes it sound like you know what you want and aren’t afraid to get it, whereas; ‘I rly like u. Wanna hang out 2morro?” says you want to buy them a slice of pizza at the mall and give a them a life on Candy Crush.

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“You look different from your profile picture…”

Did we miss anything? Are there any more texting rules you think should be included in the commandments? When you pictured us as Moses, were we wearing an off-the-shoulder toga or conservatively draped in papal robes with sensible Birkenstocks? Leave a comment and let us know what you’re thinking!

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Editor. Writer. Karaoke Ninja. I'm really good at eating fried stuff on sticks while complaining about how I can never get in shape. When I grow up, I want to be that foam finger Miley Cyrus was dry humping.

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